How to make people suffer and blame God for it

If I were to have an open conversation with my devil and he was willing to share the secrets of his recent marketing successes, I think this is what he would tell me.

There is only one thing I love doing more than making humans miserable – watching them blame God for their misery.

There are many different effective strategies that create confusion in the human heart and mind. Today I am going to describe only one of them. But first, let’s make it clear – my department should not be blamed for confusion. It wasn’t my boss who supported the Father’s Plan with its  key principle of agency. It’s your Master, not mine, who sustained the Plan and now runs the Program, including the confusing Second Estate. It is He who put you in this system of free market where both good and evil, truth and falsehood, honesty and deceit are being offered. My boss tried to make things simple – one product, one price – no need for agency, everybody wins. But your Master decided to follow the Daddy who kindly allows his children make their own choices. So don’t blame us – He started it!

Here is one effective way to confuse people into believing that God should be blamed for evil, misery and suffering:

Step one: PRODUCT

Creating a product that resembles the Competitor’s product and adding a new, desirable feature to it (remember – I am in the detail). Marketers call this strategy “piggy backing”. For example, when your Master offers marriage, I offer casual sex. When He offers love, I offer even greater love.

Step two: ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN

Since I own the majority of mass media, this step is easy. Through TV and internet as well as in schools and universities I shout the benefits of my counterfeit product’s advantages over the original. I tell my potential clients that I offer them instant gratification, while the Father expects them to be patient. Or I point out that the love the Father offers is unfair and exclusive. Marriage means rejecting half of the world. I offer inclusion, tolerance, equality. While the Father’s love is sometimes expressed by teaching others his values, encouraging them to behave in accordance with some eternal laws, my love says: I don’t care what your behavior is. It’s like offering people a bread maker that makes bread out of cheap sand. Impossible, I know, but many are willing to pay for it.

Step three: TURN THEM AGAINST THE COMPETITION

This phase is tricky, but I have a lot of experience. I manipulate my clients’ emotions in a way that leads them to the place I want them to end up – the conclusion that God, their families, their Church – hate them. Let’s use the example of love again. When I deal with a client who is sexually attracted to his own gender, I tell him this: If your family really loved you, they would not discourage you from same-gender sex.

If his family does reject him after being shocked with the news about his same sex attraction, my job is really easy. All I have to do is say: See? They do hate you. Their Church tells them to hate you.

But let’s consider a more challenging possibility. Let’s say – his family does love him. They don’t accept his behavior, but they still accept and love him. In other words -  they reject his behavior but not by rejecting him. They simply refuse to say what he wants to hear: “Follow your nature. If you feel like breaking the law of chastity – do it if it makes you happy.” In such a case, my role is to convince my client that my version of love is the true love while the love the Father offers and teaches through his Church is not true love. By means of the internet, television and education I say loud and clear: “If they loved you, they would accept your behavior!” Through movies, song lyrics and from the mouths of all sorts of experts quoted by reporters I  just keep screaming until it sinks in my potential client’s mind and heart: “If they loved you, they would accept you the way you are!”

See, I am in the detail. The fact is that his family does accept him the way he is. But I make him think that his behavior is what he is. I make him forget that he is a spiritual son of God who – like every human – struggles with carnal desires, his physical body’s disposition to do evil instead of good. I make him forget that and put a false label on him – I tell him: you are gay. Or: you are naturally oriented toward men – or in case of females – toward women. This is your true identity. If your Church and your family rejects this identity, they reject you.

Step four: TAKE THEM TO THE WILDERNESS

Once I manage to convince my client that everyone hates him, he feels rejected and lonely. He moves to the desert. Figuratively speaking, of course. People pass him, but in their faces he only sees aversion and rejection. If he doesn’t have real friends and doesn’t turn to the scriptures and prayer for inspiration, he is mine. And I simply follow my nature. I do what every predator does when he is left alone with his prey. In some cases, I even succeed in convincing my client that his life is not worth living and he should end it.

I don’t claim that I should take credit for all murders and suicides. Some people suffer depression and other emotional or mental infirmities – they are not accountable for their actions. I can only tempt when agency is present.

Step five: BLAME GOD AND HIS CHURCH

As you know – the best advertising is organic – word of mouth. When the news about another tragic suicide of a young person spreads, many people start asking the question: Why? That’s not yet a problem. Questions should be asked. Their problem starts when they allow me to provide the answer. So I do: Because your Church endorses the law of chastity. Because the Brethren insist on teaching things that in the world today are unpopular, considered offensive and hurtful.

Those who don’t use their imagination, if they don’t think critically – are likely to believe me. If they don’t consider other possibilities, more logical explanations based on facts – they become my new clients.

In the case of the increase in suicide attempts, they disregard some simple facts. For example, Utah doesn’t have the highest suicide rate. Or this one – only 20% of humans living in Utah are Latter-day Saints. Also -  in the last few decades the Church’s narrative about same sex behavior has become milder (the doctrine hasn’t changed, there is simply more emphasis on the divine nature of all God’s children and the need to love every person regardless his challenges and even sins). But the number of suicide attempts keeps increasing. What has changed in the last few decades? One thing for sure – homosexuality has become an accepted, even a celebrated behavior. My department’s propaganda campaign has succeeded in convincing many humans who are attracted to members of their own gender that their Church and their families hate them. How delightful for me that they don’t see it.

I have noticed this new tendency among the humans: they get a kick out of blaming themselves for many evils in the world. Strangely, the descendants of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob seem the most inclined to this way of thinking. Taking responsibility for human suffering, injustice and other negative realities somehow makes them feel good, more humble, more progressive. They are willing to sacrifice truth, if necessary to refrain from looking for the roots of problems far from them when evidence suggests that is where they are likely to be found. The world has taught them that even considering taking the investigation somewhere else is just not nice. Looking for flaws in their own history, civilization, culture or religion is a sign of being open-minded, self-critical, modest and humble. This is a topic for another conversation. I am just saying – turning the Saints against God and his Kingdom gets easier every year. Convincing them that my kingdom is a much happier and friendlier place than God’s Kingdom is not the challenge it once was..

Yours truly,

devil

Joseph Smith Jr. and polygamy

If one of my devils suffered from occasional honesty attacks and I were to have an open conversation with him, I think this is what he would tell me:

Another effective way to turn humans against the Prophet of the Restoration is by framing him for the crime of immorality.

I was once assigned to this guy in Poland. Soon after his baptism, his friends gave him a newspaper and showed an article about Joseph Smith. I was familiar with the text (I have co-authored many news reports in my career), so I was excited to see his reaction when he gets hit by the revelation that the Prophet had wives besides Emma. He was shocked indeed. I immediately through another punch by tempting him that polygamy is never acceptable. I told him that the only reason a man marries more than one woman is to satisfy his sex drive. He heard it and was troubled by it. Sweet! I almost started celebrating another success, but then he started remembering how his prayer was answered. The evening when God told him that He had sent Joseph and called him to be his prophet. But a testimony works the best when it is supported by intellect. One of his friends in the Church reminded him that some ancient prophets also practiced plural marriage. This comforted him enough. Imagine how disappointed I was when the Polish dude decided to put the topic of polygamy aside and focus on the basic principles of the gospel instead.

I had to wait 4 more years before he decided to return to the subject. He was a student at BYU at that time, fascinated with Church history. His professor approved the topic he proposed for his paper – something about women who witnessed the introduction of the principle of “Celestial marriage”. He spent long hours in the special collections section of the BYU library reading letters and diaries of those faithful women. He still doesn’t know for sure why the Lord commanded the Saints to practice plural marriage, but he learned two things:

1. Those women really believed it was given by direct revelation. First, to the Prophet Joseph Smith and then to each of them individually. In some cases - by heavenly messengers.

2. The practice did make the women happy. Not all of them, of course. Monogamous relationships don’t always make women happy, either. But many spent the rest of their lives defending Plurality of Wives and preaching the principle to others.

So, yeah, that didn’t work. Sadly, the guy wasn’t special in any way. Millions of others refused to listen to my appeals to their decency, my arguments that polygamy isn’t fair, it makes the genders unequal, etc. I count on their lack of imagination, on their natural tendency to consider only one conclusion – the most negative one, of course. I try to make them forget that God’s ways are not man’s ways. It is impossible for a human to fully comprehend how God thinks, how He feels. A man cannot fully understand the attitude of a divine Being. I try to catch them off guard, when they don’t study the scriptures, don’t occupy their minds with the Plan of Salvation. If they don’t regularly refresh their knowledge and testimony, they are likely to forget that their goal is to become like Heavenly Father. Consequently, when the Saints are exalted, they will not think and feel the same way they do now. Why then worry about how a sister who was a plural wife in 1850s will feel as an exalted being in the Celestial Kingdom? This is something impossible to comprehend right now, because humans are not exalted beings.

Abraham’s wife, Sarah, before she finished her second estate, was not very happy about her husband’s relationship with Hagar. She felt jealous. That’s understandable. But we can safely assume she is not jealous anymore. We know she is now an exalted being, a goddess. She is experiencing the fullness of joy even though she shares her husband with at least one other woman.

So, all that worry by today’s women about the eternal unhappiness which awaits plural wives is hasty. Speculating about thoughts and feelings of an eternal being by a being who lives in time is as pointless as a crawling larva trying to imagine what it is like to fly like a butterfly. And if they read the accounts of faithful plural wives from the 19th century Deseret, they would know at least this: that many women did like polygamy. Utah feminists organized anti-government protests defending their right to practice polygamy. And no, they were not brainwashed. They were some of the finest and brightest people in America.

Polygamy is one of those aspects of The Church of Jesus Christ’s history I like to work with, because it takes some imagination and faith to accept something so difficult to understand. Actually, the practice of plural marriage is impossible to understand for a monogamist, just as marriage is impossible to understand for a single person. The only advantage a single who tries to understand what it is like to have a family over a 21st century monogamist trying to understand polygamy is that he can visit his parents and see the blessings of being married. He doesn’t even have to visit them. He spent almost two decades watching his parents loving each other, working together, enjoying countless of happy moments, etc. And he still has very little idea what it is like to be a husband, wife, dad or mom. As long as time travel is impossible, people can’t go back and watch brother Brigham or brother Taylor interacting with their wives or the women living in the same household interacting with each other.

So, I take advantage of that. I take people from reading the scriptures or listening to general conferences and encourage them to speculate about an aspect of Church history which is impossible for them to understand. And I often use the internet to remind them about the inaccessible past. Tragically (for me), it doesn’t always work. Paradoxically, they often lose their concern after using the same internet the right way, to study critically, not believing all the speculations they read. They persistently digg deeper and deeper, until they find more facts which shed greater light on the matter.

Fortunately for me - many things have not been recorded. If Nauvoo and later Salt Lake City had millions of cameras and microphones installed on streets, in living rooms and offices or other places where the leaders of the Church ever spoke, and if those devices were sensitive enough to detect thoughts, emotions and revelations, only then we could know what really happened and how (and we would still not be able to know what it was like to live back then). Historians deal with incomplete information. They have to do a lot of guessing. And if their attitude about the Church is negative – their guessing will be negative. Even those who are faithful Latter-day Saints, if they make the mistake of judging the past by today’s standards – their conclusions will be flawed.

I use those information holes and combine them with the delightful human habit of assuming the worse. If something is not clear, I tell my client: See? Joseph’s intentions were immoral. And he buys it, because he has never learned in school how to think critically, how to consider possibilities, how to look for answers and when appropriate – give the benefit of doubt. He lets his doubts turn into the crisis of faith. I don’t stop at that point yet. Every intelligent person asks questions and sometimes doubts. My work isn’t done until his testimony is gone. That’s when I start celebrating.

The subject of polygamy works the best, but there are other aspects of Joseph Smith’s life that humans cannot know much about, thus giving me the opportunity to make up some funniest and most unfavorable stories by either making things up or distorting facts – magic stones, walking on water, freemasonry, mental illness which allows to hypnotize his followers, alien abductions, and many other silly things. Almost as silly as the lies I used long ago in Jerusalem to distort the image of Jehovah into something that looked more my boss.

You might say that all my efforts are in vain because the current dispensation will not end with another apostasy. You might also rub my face with the prophecy that all nations will speak good and evil about Joseph Smith, making the point that nothing is new, everything is going according to God’s plan. As much as I hate to admit it – yes, you are right. But I can still get some of you people on my side. I won’t stop while I still can. I don’t have much time left, so I will leave it here and get back to work.

Yours truly,

devil

Joseph Smith - 4 versions of the First Vision

If one of my devils suffered from occasional honesty attacks and I were to have an open conversation with him, I think this is what he would tell me:

The easiest way to destroy the Saints’ commitment to keep their covenants is by discrediting Joseph Smith. If I manage to convince my client that the Prophet of the Restoration was a liar and impostor, he will stop taking his faith and religion seriously. It’s as simple as that. This is why I focus my attacks on Joseph’s most important claims: The Book of Mormon, the First Vision, etc.

I will deal with the Book on another occasion. Let’s now talk about the infamous (in my circles) spring morning in the grove. Recently I designed a new scheme. As I often go about doing it: I present my clients with a true fact and tempt them to draw wrong conclusions. I tell them that there are 4 versions of the First Vision. “Yes! 4 different accounts! And guess what? They are not identical! Can you imagine? Every time Joseph shared his experience, he didn’t relate it word for word like a memorized text. How about that?!”

Some are bothered by it. But there are also those who respond: “Let me do my own investigation.” So I scream: “Don’t read the accounts yourself! Trust me!.” But they ignore me, they go to josephsmithpapers.org and learn that yes, Joseph was not a robot – instead of playing a recording every time he related the event, he did what all humans do – emphasized different parts based on the audience or the point he was making during the conversation. In some instances Joseph only related a fragment of his conversation with Jesus, in others he mentions the presence of angels, etc. but the versions don’t actually contradict each other. Sometime they notice that in the account written by his hand he claims he was 16, instead of 14 when he spoke with the Godhead. I do my best to blow the obvious mistake out of proportions, but most of them refuse to lose their trust in Joseph Smith because he wrote something that looks like “6” more than “4”.

My goals are: taking advantage of my client’s not fully developed testimony of the restored gospel, if he has got one – make him forget it and discourage him from thinking critically. In the case of the 4 versions, if he starts using his imagination, he will realize that just because Joseph didn’t tell the whole story every time, it doesn’t mean his accounts contradict each other. It would be like dragging a suspect through a long process of interrogation, asking him repeatedly to tell what he did the fatal morning, begging him to admit to something he hasn’t done and since his story keeps being consistent, conclude he must be guilty, because in one of his versions he forgot to include some detail: didn’t mention a name of one of the people present, the make of the car he drove or what the weather was like the day the crime was committed. Every court would reject such a silly argument.

If my client rejects my arguments and refuses to accept the image of Joseph Smith - the liar, I don’t give up easily. I start sculpturing another image - the wicked and immoral Joseph. I will tell you all about it during my next confession.

Yours truly,

devil

3 questions you should ask before start worrying about the past

If I were to have an open conversation with my devil (or one of them), I think this is what he would tell me. If he suffered occasional honesty attacks, I guess.

The job of destroying faith used to be much tougher, but it gets easier every year. Even with members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Luckily for me – humans don’t use their imagination as much as they used to. They world teaches them that only things that are visible actually exist. Everything else is a fairy tale. Yet, many still fall for the most ridiculous fairy tales ever told – that the human body with it’s incredible complexities is a product of chance, that the huge planet they live on will soon run out of space if they keep reproducing, that being single makes a person happier than having a family, that filing papers eight hours a day under a flickering, florescent lamp is more fulfilling than raising a child or that socialism will finally work – to name just a few examples. They replace true and proven many times values with their own, made up doctrine. But they feel good about it, because their faith is modern, accepted by those who dress in the robes of false priesthood – white coats, black gowns, etc. How delightful!

Humans don’t use their imagination as much as their ancestors did. More and more Latter-day Saints find some disturbing information related to their history and instead of considering the possibility that the story might not be true or related in a wrong way, they allow themselves to be bothered by it. They naively assume that since someone wrote it, it must be true. Can you imagine such lack of imagination? If you ask them: “How do you know this is true?”, they bare their solemn witness: “I have read it with my own eyes!” So amusing!

I’ve tried many different approaches in my recruiting efforts. Three of them work the best with the Saints:

1. Spreading made up rumors often suffices in weakening their faith. For example, I tell them that Joseph Smith believed there were people living on the moon.

2. If that doesn’t work I tell true stories but in my own way. My reports are incomplete. See, if you word a true and faith-promoting story correctly, omitting some facts and exaggerating other, you can do some serious mind confusing. For example, I remind the Saints that their ancestors practiced polygamy. Past practices work wonders, because it is impossible to fully understand them. All they know about polygamy is what they have seen on TV. They associate the practice with images of abused women and children, religious leaders who take advantage of their followers, etc. They have no idea that two different groups can practice plural marriage in different ways. One, for example, uses manipulation techniques and pressure while other respects personal agency and encourages seeking inspiration from the Almighty. As you might know – I am in the details. If my client doesn’t use his imagination, when he hears of polygamy, he assumes the worse – lustful motives.

3. But, of course, some don’t fall for it. They dig and dig until they learn some facts and keep their faith. So, I try the third method: I give them true facts but make them draw wrong conclusions. For example, I say: “Did you know that Brigham Young had some crazy ideas? Did you know that later prophets said those ideas were false doctrines?” Then, I hit them with this doubt-promoting thought: “Don’t be a full! Don’t be a member of a church whose presidents are human, fallible beings!”

My attacks at the Lord’s anointed don’t work with those clients who have, what you call “personal testimony”. Your Master calls it “revelation” or even more specifically – “personal revelation”. In the 16th chapter of Mathew’s account, a conversation between Him and Simon is recorded. He asked Simon who he thinks He is. After hearing Simon’s testimony – the Lord praises him for having learned an important truth not through one of his 5 senses, but through a personal revelation. He then said something some Latter-day Saints don’t understand – that the Church is built on the foundation of revelation.

My department has successfully infected the world with the idea that there is nothing outside the physical. This gives us an enormous advantage over humans, because we know some things which as long as they refuse to consider and investigate, will never know. I remember the events before the world was created. I have seen the First Vision. I have seen the events recorded in the Book of Mormon. I don’t need a special communication from God to know those things. But for those who decided to take the test of the second estate – revelation is the only way to know things their physical eyes haven’t seen, because they have passed through the veil of forgetfulness.

This is why our competitors walk all over the world in pairs and invite people to accept Moroni’s challenge – to study, ponder and ask God. Those who accept the challenge – receive a sure witness from God himself. Those are my toughest clients. Many of them get even more annoying, when they start serving in the Church which gives them many opportunities to strengthen their testimonies. If their attitudes are right, from time to time the veil gets really thin for them. They keep their covenants and enjoy the blessings predicated upon the laws they obey. They experience the Atonement, feel their guilt disappearing after a since prayer of repentance. Those kinds of humans are really hard to work with. They make me feel jealous. I want to hurt them, make them as miserable as I am, but they keep getting less and less receptive to my temptations so I don’t waste too much of my time on them (although occasionally I still keep trying to recruit them, because as long as they live, their probation is ongoing).

Personal testimony which comes from righteous living does ruin my plans of destroying faith in Jesus Christ and his priesthood. But that’s not all. There is also intelligence and logic. What really annoys me is the human ability to imagine or consider options. I guess, you call it “critical thinking”. Instead of taking my word that the Church must not be true because Joseph said this or Brigham did that, they start questioning me. If they ask these three questions, I just know I am about to lose a battle:

1. Is the story actually true?

2. Is the story complete?

3. Does it matter anyway?

If they do some research, they might come to the following conclusions:

1. Many anti-Mormon brochures claim that Joseph Smith said there are people living on the moon. But there is absolutely no evidence he has ever said it. The first time the story was published was decades after Smith’s death. It happened during the time the American public was obsessed with reports of canals and other man-made structures on Mars and Moon observed through telescopes. A member of the Church claimed he knew a guy who allegedly heard Joseph Smith describing the inhabitants of the Moon. No serious historian would take this story seriously, because there is absolutely no evidence the Prophet has ever said such things. So, the answer to the question: “Is the story actually true” is: “Most likely not.”

2. Joseph Smith had more than one wife. It is true. The immediate reaction is: he must have been an immoral man. But the more complete story is this: Joseph received the commandment to marry other women besides Emma by a revelation from God, just as many biblical prophets were commanded to take care of more than one wife. And when he was reluctant to obey, an angel with a flaming sword appeared to remind him that God won’t be mocked. By omitting those important details, the answer to the question: “Is the story complete?” is “No, it is not.”

3. Brigham Young’s Adam-God idea has never been approved by a unanimous consent of all living apostles and so it has never become an official doctrine of the Church. The Saints’ salvation depends on the purity of the Church’s teachings, not on Brother Brigham’s perfection during his mortality. So, yes, he said something that was far from being correct. But the question is: “Does it matter anyway?” And the answer is: “No, not at all.” Because God doesn’t expect his Saints to believe in a man – even as great as Brigham Young, but in the Lord – the only Man who has ever lived on the earth and never taught a false idea.

As you can see – my job is not easy, because some people use their agency to learn important truths through study and revelation. But I shouldn’t complain. As long as there are people who don’t ask good questions, my career is not over. Unemployment is not on the list of my concerns. At least for a while.

Yours truly,

devil

Dear Latter-day Saints

In a BYU religion class, students were given an exam. One of the questions was “What scriptural hero do you mostly associate yourself with and why?” How would you respond to the first part? Nephi? Peter? Moroni? One student wrote: Lucifer.

As you can imagine, the Honor Code was immediately notified. No, that’s not true. On the contrary. Professor Nibley was actually quite impressed with the honesty of the student. So am I.

You should be too. Admit it – your nature is at least partially devilish. Don’t you wish sometimes you could rule the world? Don’t you dream from time to time about having a super power of putting thoughts in other people’s heads? Or make them share all of your opinions? What about ending all that mess of ideas and philosophies once and for all? Do we need all that confusion? Why not set some laws and regulations which would finally bring order to the world? And don’t tell me you never thought about hurting someone just because he disrespected you or because things are going better for him than for you? Well, you must admit, we don’t differ from each other as much as you might think.

As a devil, let me tell you – being an evil spirit is not as bad as they say. It’s exciting! We constantly find new ways of recruiting new angels, turning Saints against God and his servants, develop innovative tactics and arguments. Most of our strategies are as old as the world, but using them never gets boring. Especially now, when so many useful new tools are available. For example, in the past, false philosophies spread extremely slowly. People shared them by talking to each other, occasionally writing them down for a larger audience which included future generations. I thought the printing press was amazing until the Internet was invented. Now I put a doubt in one person’s heart and in a matter of seconds, hundreds of suckers get infected all over the world.

Don’t you already regret having agreed to cross the vail of forgetfulness and start seeing things with your physical eyes only, which – as you know – don’t detect everything? Being a devil is an extremely satisfying profession, believe me! Granted, there is also the never-ending pain due to the endless feeling of jealousy and anger, constantly being surrounded by real jerks, realization that any improvement of character is no longer possible. And that persistent discomfort caused by the absence of the physical body. I don’t claim to live in paradise. But if you ignore the eternal unhappiness thing, being an invisible, evil spirit which one way or another is able to put thoughts in people’s minds, is really, really fun. How can I help you understand this? The only thing that comes somewhat close would be running an election campaign in a democratic state.

Think about all that joy of watching people leave the Church of Jesus Christ after learning one little detail from the life of Joseph Smith – something totally taken out of the context which – if fully understood – would totally change their mind about it. Or seeing those who – not that long ago tried to convince us of the virtues of their Leader but are now embarrassed to be his disciples, because of my sophistry. Because their Creator refuses to accept the values taught by the world to a large degree controlled by our department. Ha ha! Nothing compares!

You might wonder why I am writing all this. Yes, I am aware that revealing our tactics with the enemy might give you some advantage. No, this has nothing to do with my situation. I admit that there are some downsides of being an eternally damned creature. One of them I already mentioned – the guys I get to work with. They are not only mean to the humans but to each other as well. And our boss… Between you and me - he is a real jerk. It won’t be an exaggeration if I say – he is the biggest jerk in the universe. I won’t bore you with details. Suffice it to say – he doesn’t keep his promises. Yes, I have received a few promotions, but – I won’t bore you with the details – they were more like degradations, actually. But this has nothing to do with this blog. Read it and believe every word I say here and you will have as much fun as I do. But please, don’t share my articles with anyone!

I wish you hell of a time!

Yours truly,

devil